Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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