Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I am one with the molecules
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
