I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Need sex. Gaining weight.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
