I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
