Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
