They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
