get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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