At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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