Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
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She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
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