1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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