so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
