You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
