Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
i now understand why vodka
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
