I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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