I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
