Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
i've created a new STD.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
