Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
