I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
