He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize