he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
