Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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