I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
