my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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