What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
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