why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
