His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
