I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Houston, we have a squirter
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.