I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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