i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
