ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I FOUND THE LEGS
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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