I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Randomize
