I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I looked at my own cervix.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
You left your phone here
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