Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
