so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
