I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
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