i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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