I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
