Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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