we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
