The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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