So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
How external is "for external use only"?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
