fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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