His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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