i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Randomize
