meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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