i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
