Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
