Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
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Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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