I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
