You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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