he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Randomize
