you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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