Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
