You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
