On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Randomize
