I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
