I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
